Monday Morning Jokes

["Stephen" <dragonv@...]

These came from our friend Leonard this morning to all of you:

George W. Bush, Albert Einstein and Pablo Picasso have all
died.  Due to a glitch in the mundane/celestial time-space
continuum, all three arrive at the Pearly Gates more or less
simultaneously, even though their deaths have taken place
decades apart.

The first to present himself to Saint Peter is Einstein.  Saint
Peter questions him. "You look like Einstein, but you have no
idea the lengths certain people will go to, to sneak into
Heaven under false pretenses. Can you prove who you really are?"

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a
blackboard and some chalk?"

Saint Peter complies with a snap of his fingers. The blackboard
and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with
arcane mathematics and symbols his special theory of relativity.

Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really are Einstein!
Welcome to heaven!"

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again Saint Peter asks for
his credentials. Picasso doesn't hesitate. "Mind if I use that
blackboard and chalk?"

Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."

Picasso erases Einstein's scribbles and proceeds to sketch out
a truly stunning mural. Bulls, satyrs, nude women: he captures
their essence with but a few strokes of the chalk.

Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim
to be! Come on in!"

The last to arrive is George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches
his head. "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their
identity. How can you prove yours?"

G. W. looks bewildered, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"

Saint Peter sighs, "Come on in, George."

or


Seen on the back of a T-shirt of a biker riding a Harley:
"If you can read this, my bitch fell off."


Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get 
anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they 
had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday school. So 
they went to the nearest church. But only the janitor was 
there.

One said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come
out and play with us. Will you baptize us?"

"Sure," said the janitor. He took them into the bathroom and
dunked their heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then
he said, "Now, go out and play."

When they got outside, dripping wet, one of them asked, "What
religion do you think we are?"

The oldest one said, "We're not Catholic, because they pour
the water on you. We're not Baptist because they dunk all of
you in it. We're not Methodist because they just sprinkle you."

The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?"

"Yes. Why, what do you think that means?"

"That means we're Episcopalians."